Fictional Character Valentine’s Day List: 2013 Men’s Edition

Everyone has them. If you play video games, read books, or watch television shows, you got ‘em. The fictional characters that you want to be real to whisk you away. You lie in bed at night with your significant other and think “Why can’t he/she be as amazing as [insert fictional crush]?” And when you see some other fictional bimbo getting your soul mate, you fly into rampages and swear that it can’t be cannon.

            I consume a rather alarming amount of media and I am exposed to characters that are supposed to make me fall in love with them on a daily basis. Some characters just…do it for me. I get attached to their charm, their courage, their intelligence. So much so I lament the fact they are fictional and all men cannot compare. Instead of wallowing in reality, I make lists. Today I introduce you to my list, as of 2013, in a rough, but certainly not definite order, from least to most desirable, of all the fictional men who have stolen a chunk of my heart, thereby ruining me for real men.  

Ester York’s Fictional Character Valentine’s Day List: 2013 Men’s Edition

(Mild Spoilers!)

Hannibal Lector

Appears in: TheHannibal Lector Series by Thomas Harris and the film adaptions. Played (better) by Anthony Hopkins      
       

Yes, I know. I know. I am completely aware that he eats people. Let’s get this out of the way. He only eats the “free-range rude.” These are people I dislike anyway. How many times have you encountered someone in this world who is debased and moral-less? You think I’d really just like for this person to go away. Lector, an educated and brilliant psychiatrist, is classy and traveled. He does what most people only dream of. Admittedly he goes one step further and eats people. Once you figure out why he is compelled to do it, it is an awww moment. And my fascination with the character is actually not new. Google it. It's a thing. 

The reason why he is so low on the list is because I couldn’t trust him to make me dinner. Also, he has been caught in the past. Do I really want to keep moving around? What if I have a house and a job and what about all my nice, neat, flaming little shit?

Patrick Jane

Appears in: The Mentalist

Jane used to be a con-artist, pretending to communicate with the dead and read minds. Then he called out a serial killer, Red John, on television. Red John retaliates by killing his wife and young daughter. He joins the California Bureau of Investigation to lend his stellar people-reading skills and to ultimately enact his revenge on Red John.

On the outside Jane is witty, perceptive, and intelligent. He manipulates people for his own ends (which are usually good) and he always gets the criminal, using techniques that are legally questionable. In the inside, he is conflicted. His mission is to kill Red John and beyond that there is nothing for him. I am all for vigilante justice. It is raw and personal. It was Jane's hubris that led to Red John killing his family and he shoulders that burden everyday that his nemesis still lives.

Jane is hot, snarky, a sharp dresser, intelligent, and totally deserving of my crush. The reason why he scores so low on my list is because in the end, he is complicated and, quite frankly, emotionally damaged. How do you compete with a dead wife, child, and vigilantism?

Paxton Fettel

Appears in: The F.E.A.R series

                Fettel is the product of Armacham Technology Corporation's  super-secret Project Origin. As a psychic, he controls battalion of clone super soldiers with his mind. During the first game, it is revealed that Fettel has rebelled and taken the soldiers on his own mission to avenge his mother, who was experimented on by the same company in the past. His mother has a psychic link to him as well, and he goes to kill everyone involved in her project.

                To experience the memories of other people, he…eats people. But just a bit! And while, yes, this is cannibalism too, it’s not like Lector. Lector wants to eat people.  Paxton wants information. Also, he might have mommy issues, but for good reasons. I feel like he would be the kind of guy to stand up for you-and believe me, it goes along way with me. Also, he’s psychic. You probably wouldn’t have to pay for anything in a store ever again. And he has an army. An army you can use for mundane tasks like carrying your groceries. He’s also driven to get shit done. No more couch potato boyfriends! 

Solid Snake

Appears in: The Metal Gear Series and has cameo appearances in many other games.

Oh, Snake. Calm, handsome, intelligent, self-sacrificing Solid Snake.  Some might call him a loner, but do loners make a secret handshake with their best friend? Nope.  When called a hero he denies it. (It’s ok Snake, you’re the hero of my heart.) How many times has he basically saved the world from impending doom? He infiltrates and hides and shoots and has flirty banter and tranquilizes and he just always knows what the fuck is going on-*inhales*

And he has a ridiculously sexy voice. It makes me melt every time I hear it.  Something about him just drives me to throw my panties at him.

Downsides: he smokes, is a flirt, and ages quickly. The latter issue is nearly moot because even as an old guy he is beyond HAWT.  He tends to die a lot though…at least with me. SSSSSSNNNNAAAAAAAAAKE!

Francis Morgan York/Zach

Appears in: Deadly Premonition.

No one has any idea how much I am in love with this character. He’s the FBI criminal profiler sent in to solve a murder mystery gripping the town of Greenvale. Every morning he looks into his coffee to get a message for the day that may or may not relate to the case. He is an 80’s B-movie film buff, and used to be a punk-rocker. He has a large scar on his forehead that extends into his hairline and some slashes on his cheek. He is able to fight with the Shadows-monsters that appear with the purple fog. Most importantly, he frequently listens to a voice in his head, an entity named Zach. They have dialogue exchanges where the player can only hear what is being said by York.

                I have never encountered a character with so much personality. York is dynamic and has actual presence in the world around him. Have you ever dated someone who was so emotionless that he was a fucking robot? Or he keeps everything inside and lets everything stew in his head until it doesn’t resemble reality at all? At least with York he’ll tell you what he thinks, as long as it isn’t confidential information that will comprise his investigation. And I love to bake-something he would appreciate!

And…I have his last name. Coincidence? I think not. So, back off, he's mine. 

    

FEAR Files, FEAR 2, and Fear 2: Reborn Rant

A while ago I finally finished up Perseus Mandate, FEAR 2, and FEAR 2: Reborn. And I am finally making myself post this before I forget.  

Perseus Mandate

Perseus Mandate was definitely better than Extraction Point, in my opinion. At least PM tries to give the player a different experience, though it is ultimately very similar to FEAR 1. This one has a different FEAR team investigating Armacham's Perseus Project with the unnamed protagonist (this time he is a Sergeant, but he is basically the same as Point Man from FEAR 1) and two AIs, Captain Raynes and Lieutenant Chen. What I like about this is that your comrades do not make the whole game an escort mission. For an expansion pack, I liked the two characters. I especially liked the end and what takes place on the helicopter...for those who know, yeah, I bet you think it was corny. I liked it. It gave me goose bumps. While this game is not cannon, it is not terribly deviant like Extraction Point was (by killing, oh, everyone). Yes, I do question why the Sergeant has the special abilities that the Point Man has. And quite frankly, it is because this system is what the FEAR series is based on (or was, until FEAR 3). When I scoffed and said that the Sergeant was a (game play) clone of Point Man, he might as well be a clone by the grace of the story as well. It’s not explained why he has the ability, though the Nightcrawlers say some things like “He’s been augmented!” Uh....really? Ok, fine.

Spoilers Ahead!

Things That Irk Me:

Fettel’s glowing green genetic material. Really? You know, it would look more believable if it were in a vial or something besides THE GREEN LANTERN. The real ending to the game is when the Green Lantern walks in at the end and punches them in the face to get his lantern back.

Not even trying to explain the protagonist’s abilities. JUST SAY HE IS A CLONE OF POINT MAN. After FEAR 2: Reborn, you know what? IT MAKES SENSE.

I actually do not mind that Fettel makes some ghost/apparition/ash guy appearances. I know that in FEAR 2: Reborn we hear that he is dead, but dreaming, and waiting to be reborn in a physical body. To say he is only dreaming means that he has not been “in” the world since he died, in my opinion. But seeing him like he appeared in EP and FEAR 1 did not bother me too much. It was not much of a stretch to think that his psychic presence allowed him to briefly reappear. Though I like Paxton just a little too much...    

I can’t recall which instalment of the FEAR Files this took place in, but in one of them I could grab items through glass. That’s right. I did not have to break it. I guess I was a ghost. Or Shadowcat. 

FEAR 2: Project Origin

I remember submitting an entry to the Name Your Fear contest in 2007. Funny, because I was hyped enough to do that but ultimately I did not play it for the first time until last summer (2010). In a strange occurrence, I enjoyed the game much more the second time around. It is probably because I played FEAR 1 on the computer and then went to FEAR 2 on the Xbox 360. Bad idea for someone who can’t really play FPSs. Anyway, the protagonist actually has a name! Michael Becket, part of a Delta Force unit called Dark Signal. Yup, he even has a little bit of a back story too, though not much (he was bad in school but rocked in the military). While he is not part of a FEAR team, he gets his reflexes (or perhaps enhances what he already has?) when he is captured and made to be part of project Harbinger, which is meant to make candidates for the telepathic Replica commanders without being born from Alma. Pretty cool...but you know, you would think Armacham would rethink making random military people capable of controlling THIER ARMY. Although he does not appear to be in control of the Replica soldiers (the game would be totally different if you could), it would be difficult to abduct people and make them subservient when they can psychically tell some big buff army guys with guns to shoot their captors and help them escape. This game gives the player some glimpses into Alma’s tree swing, her music box, and the moment they took her away. You see the image enough, and although it makes me sad, I would like to see more of Alma as a child, especially the dynamics of her and her father, Harland Wade.

 

Spoilers Ahead-ESPECIALLY THE ENDING!

Stuff that Irked Me:

The aiming system. Yes, I know it is probably more realistic to actually see through the gun’s scope or...whatever they have (I am certainly not a gun person. I am a lazy person too lazy to look at Wikipedia). But it was so much easier in FEAR 1! /Whine.

At the end of a mech sequence where you have to get out, I pressed X and hopped out...and...my character was suck in some rubble or something. Could not move or jump or get back in the mech. I killed myself with a grenade. While this game wasn’t as bad as its predecessors for getting stuck on random things, I had never gotten stuck to the point where I had to commit suicide.    

So the ending...Becket gets raped by Alma, who becomes pregnant. Wait, what? How is that possible? She does not have a real body anymore. She is like...disembodied psychic energy. When she appears as a child, she is making a psychic manifestation of her body as it was. When she appears as the emaciated woman, that is the psychic manifestation of her real body. She also goes into the manifestation of the beautiful woman, whom she has never really been, though she might have if she was never locked away in The Vault. My point is that without a physical body, she should not be able to get pregnant. I would really like to discuss this with some fans who know more than me, because I would like to understand this! 

FEAR 2: Reborn

DLC that rocked my socks. You are Foxtrot 813 (I call him Foxy because we’re pals), a Replica soldier. Yes, the protagonist, you, are that cool. Becket is still with Alma (presumed) and you are dropped in Auburn to reinforce a unit. Then you go crazy and accidently kill your other Foxtrot guys! “Opps, sorry, my bad, guys. You guys mad?” Oh yes, yes they are.

I know that intro was short. But it is a short DLC. But at least it is explained why Foxy is different and has special abilities! This takes ONE HOUR to complete and it explained more than PM did! AND THE ENDING WAS AWESOME.

Things That Irked Me:

TOO DAMN SHORT. I had fun. I know it was only 800 points, but seriously, I would have paid for a full game of Foxy trying to outrun his former allies, listening to Fettel guide him.  

Extra Ranty Goodness!!

Why I like the FEAR series: Alma and Paxton Fettel.

At first I am always all “DAMN RIGHT, ALMA. GET YOUR REVENGE YOU SCARY, SCARY LITTLE GHOST GIRL.” But then she tries to basically infect the world with her...scary world? Seems a little Silent Hillish to me (though Alyessa only bends the Otherworld), but that’s ok. Two days before her eighth birthday she is put into The Vault, made to have two children, and basically left to die in The Vault. Yes, she is totally a candidate for revenge, in my opinion. In my mind, she is like Samara from The Ring. Go get revenge on the people who hurt you. Then she starts killing everyone in Armacham, even the maintenance people. And then she is destroying vast amounts of land in FEAR 3 and killing more people. Uh...nope, I take it back! Revenge is bad! BAD GHOST GIRL!    

   

I like Paxton Fettel just a little too much. For some reason, I just think he is so bad ass. “Won’t tell me your secrets? Fine, I’LL JUST EAT YOUR FACE.” Having someone eat your face AND learn all your dark secrets while doing it is pretty scary. But I find his sheer presence to be interesting. I like his dialogue. I like his back story. I like his voice (his terribly sexy voice). Is there a Paxton Fettel anonymous group for addicts that I should be aware of?

Thoughts on FEAR 3:

Sounds like bad fan fiction.

I’ve been watching  LtMkilla’s Let’s Plays of it on Youtube (Part1 here) and it seems even more FPS.

I’ll pick it up when it is not still $70-80 used. Right now I’m playing Alice: Madness Returns, and it’s not making me miss FEAR 3, anyway.