Everyone has them. If you play video games, read books, or watch television shows, you got ‘em. The fictional characters that you want to be real to whisk you away. You lie in bed at night with your significant other and think “Why can’t he/she be as amazing as [insert fictional crush]?” And when you see some other fictional bimbo getting your soul mate, you fly into rampages and swear that it can’t be cannon.
I consume a rather alarming amount of media and I am exposed to characters that are supposed to make me fall in love with them on a daily basis. Some characters just…do it for me. I get attached to their charm, their courage, their intelligence. So much so I lament the fact they are fictional and all men cannot compare. Instead of wallowing in reality, I make lists. Today I introduce you to my list, as of 2013, in a rough, but certainly not definite order, from least to most desirable, of all the fictional men who have stolen a chunk of my heart, thereby ruining me for real men.
Ester York’s Fictional Character Valentine’s Day List: 2013 Men’s Edition
Appears in: TheHannibal Lector Series by Thomas Harris and the film adaptions. Played (better) by Anthony Hopkins
Yes, I know. I know. I am completely aware that he eats people. Let’s get this out of the way. He only eats the “free-range rude.” These are people I dislike anyway. How many times have you encountered someone in this world who is debased and moral-less? You think I’d really just like for this person to go away. Lector, an educated and brilliant psychiatrist, is classy and traveled. He does what most people only dream of. Admittedly he goes one step further and eats people. Once you figure out why he is compelled to do it, it is an awww moment. And my fascination with the character is actually not new. Google it. It's a thing.
The reason why he is so low on the list is because I couldn’t trust him to make me dinner. Also, he has been caught in the past. Do I really want to keep moving around? What if I have a house and a job and what about all my nice, neat, flaming little shit?
Jane used to be a con-artist, pretending to communicate with the dead and read minds. Then he called out a serial killer, Red John, on television. Red John retaliates by killing his wife and young daughter. He joins the California Bureau of Investigation to lend his stellar people-reading skills and to ultimately enact his revenge on Red John.
On the outside Jane is witty, perceptive, and intelligent. He manipulates people for his own ends (which are usually good) and he always gets the criminal, using techniques that are legally questionable. In the inside, he is conflicted. His mission is to kill Red John and beyond that there is nothing for him. I am all for vigilante justice. It is raw and personal. It was Jane's hubris that led to Red John killing his family and he shoulders that burden everyday that his nemesis still lives.
Jane is hot, snarky, a sharp dresser, intelligent, and totally deserving of my crush. The reason why he scores so low on my list is because in the end, he is complicated and, quite frankly, emotionally damaged. How do you compete with a dead wife, child, and vigilantism?
Appears in: The F.E.A.R series
Fettel is the product of Armacham Technology Corporation's super-secret Project Origin. As a psychic, he controls battalion of clone super soldiers with his mind. During the first game, it is revealed that Fettel has rebelled and taken the soldiers on his own mission to avenge his mother, who was experimented on by the same company in the past. His mother has a psychic link to him as well, and he goes to kill everyone involved in her project.
To experience the memories of other people, he…eats people. But just a bit! And while, yes, this is cannibalism too, it’s not like Lector. Lector wants to eat people. Paxton wants information. Also, he might have mommy issues, but for good reasons. I feel like he would be the kind of guy to stand up for you-and believe me, it goes along way with me. Also, he’s psychic. You probably wouldn’t have to pay for anything in a store ever again. And he has an army. An army you can use for mundane tasks like carrying your groceries. He’s also driven to get shit done. No more couch potato boyfriends!
Appears in: The Metal Gear Series and has cameo appearances in many other games.
Oh, Snake. Calm, handsome, intelligent, self-sacrificing Solid Snake. Some might call him a loner, but do loners make a secret handshake with their best friend? Nope. When called a hero he denies it. (It’s ok Snake, you’re the hero of my heart.) How many times has he basically saved the world from impending doom? He infiltrates and hides and shoots and has flirty banter and tranquilizes and he just always knows what the fuck is going on-*inhales*
And he has a ridiculously sexy voice. It makes me melt every time I hear it. Something about him just drives me to throw my panties at him.
Downsides: he smokes, is a flirt, and ages quickly. The latter issue is nearly moot because even as an old guy he is beyond HAWT. He tends to die a lot though…at least with me. SSSSSSNNNNAAAAAAAAAKE!
Francis Morgan York/Zach
Appears in: Deadly Premonition.
No one has any idea how much I am in love with this character. He’s the FBI criminal profiler sent in to solve a murder mystery gripping the town of Greenvale. Every morning he looks into his coffee to get a message for the day that may or may not relate to the case. He is an 80’s B-movie film buff, and used to be a punk-rocker. He has a large scar on his forehead that extends into his hairline and some slashes on his cheek. He is able to fight with the Shadows-monsters that appear with the purple fog. Most importantly, he frequently listens to a voice in his head, an entity named Zach. They have dialogue exchanges where the player can only hear what is being said by York.I have never encountered a character with so much personality. York is dynamic and has actual presence in the world around him. Have you ever dated someone who was so emotionless that he was a fucking robot? Or he keeps everything inside and lets everything stew in his head until it doesn’t resemble reality at all? At least with York he’ll tell you what he thinks, as long as it isn’t confidential information that will comprise his investigation. And I love to bake-something he would appreciate!
And…I have his last name. Coincidence? I think not. So, back off, he's mine.