Battle Royale-Spoiler Free!

Battle Royale (Batoru Rowaiaru in Japanese)

Spoiler Free!

Cats sleeping on lap? Check. One monster of a German Shepherd next to me? Check. What does all this mean? It’s Japanese horror movie time!

This movie has a lot, and I mean a lot, of similarities between The Hunger Games. I’ll go through them as I feel like it, but I’m not doing a whole comparison because, well, why should I? Maybe I will one day, if I feel like it. And this is going to be spoiler free because I don’t think this review/rant needs them. Apparently there is an extended version of this film, but I don’t have that one, unfortunately. It’s tragic, actually, as it sheds light on my favourite character. I'll seek it out one day.      



First Edition, Japanese
edition, 1999.
Ugly. Jus' sayn'.



This film is based on a novel of the same name (Batoru Rowaiaru) written in 1999 by Koushun Takami. Just like The Hunger Games, Japan has created a game that pits young people against each other in a death match. In Battle Royale, it is done because kids have no respect and are basically running rampant, though I don’t think the film illustrated it enough. In the beginning it is explained that The Battle Royale was created after 800,000 students walked out of school. The main character’s best friend, Yoshitoki Kuninobu (called Nobu), stabs a teacher in the butt, though it’s not explained why he does it. But the teacher doesn’t even seem that mad about it; he goes over to a sink and washes his hands.



This is Nobu's "Face of Rebellion".
What the hell is he doing?



So, students are being naughty and the government decides to do something about it.

Premise

So instead of having some kids who might straighten up, let’s make one psychopathic killer. This is a victor of a game shown at the very beginning of the film:

"Look, she's smiling! Smiling!" (So says my subtitles)

One whole class is chosen to participate, and while they are on a bus they are gassed and taken to an island that seems to have once been inhabited, but is now abandoned. This typical Japanese lady gives the students a run-down on how the game works:

They have collars on that monitor their vitals. They must kill each other in three days with one remaining victor. If the three days are up and there is more than one survivor, all collars explode, taking off the head of the owner. In this game, you have to fight. The time limit is a fantastic idea, as you can’t hide and wait for everyone else to die (which is what I would do if I had to be a tribute in the Hunger Games).

My problem with this set-up is this opening scene. The reporter is talking and there is a film crew. So this is televised, right? We learn later that this isn’t the first game. So why are all the students so surprised that they are in the game and they need everything explained? The students are confused, asking if this is real. If they already knew about this, a great tactic would be to wait at the enterance of the school as the students are leaving and killing them all off. But the kids are scared and just run into the night. 

The Characters

One thing that The Hunger Games does better is establish the characters better. There are just too many in Battle Royal, and since it is a horror movie, much of the movie is focused on who kills who. Too bad I had no emotional connection to most of them. I do have to say that even with very little character establishment of so many characters, there are some moments that really stand out because the characters know each other. Especially in the world of girls, things between people can get pretty dirty, and when you have to kill each other these issues come out. There are some touching scenes of love and friendship though.  

 

Noriko was bullied before, locked in a bathroom stall.
She is an idolized character for staying so pure in
The Battle Royale. Cliche, but she's nice.



And this is why you don't mess with other peoples'
relationships. Because later they might have a gun
and a chance to kill you, and they might still be pissed. 

The main character is Shuya Nanahara, his best friend is Yoshitoki Kuninobu (Nobu), and the main female character is Noriko Nakagawa. What is interesting about this story is that Shuya and Noriko are not in love (Noriko likes Shuya, and she tries to give him home baked cookies on the bus), but they are working together. I won’t say why because it will spoil what is supposed to be a big moment in the film that happens early on. Because the film moved so fast in the beginning (with good reason) I just couldn’t particularly care when this big moment happened. However, I do see how the two of them would work together after that.  

Noriko Nakagawa



Shuya Nanahara



Yoshitoki Kuninobu (Nobu)

  

   

*sings* Best friends...
But this scene has TERRIBLE
fake laughter.

There are a few memorable characters, and my favourite one happens to be Mitsuko Souma. She’s crazy and sexual and she aims to win not by waiting, not by escaping, but by killing everyone, and getting some action while it’s available.



Mitsuko Souma
Can I come in?
No.



Confrontation.

There are two transfer students, Kazuo Kiriyama, and Shogo Kawada. Kazuo is smoking hot but damn, he’s crazy! It’s apparent that they are different from the other students: they are almost like soldiers, knowing exactly what is going on already, and how to play this game.

Random Bits

The whole “Let’s lose our virginities before we die!” bit comes up. Hilarity ensures. How could not? 

Clearly not the time for that...

Unlike The Hunger Games, there is still hope for these students to escape the game. Early on two girls try to rally everyone to their spot to figure out an escape, but that’s just a terribly stupid plan. Others try too different methods of escape.

Uh...what exactly is dangerous about the danger zones? Do the collars just explode?

I appreciate that the film gives the students guns, but no one is particularly good at shooting them with the exception of the transfer students. I hate it when kids get guns and they turn into the Point Man from FEAR. I have some experience with guns, and even if you line the sights up for that perfect bulls-eye, there's the probability that you won’t hit the bulls-eye because of the gun itself. Guns aren’t perfect, and neither are people.

There is a point when a weird dream scene occurs with Noriko and the teacher Kitano eating popsicles by a river in the city. I am seriously confused by this dream. Their lips move but there is no sound, so there are no subtitles. I have no idea what they are saying! Noriko says that Kitano seems lonely in the dream, but why she says this is eluding me. 

They're like the kids from Kingdom Hearts II.

I’d like to know about the text that appears on the screen. At least twice it was voiced, but other times it is not.  It is probably something that happens in Japanese cinema that I’m unaware of, but I would like to know more about it.

American Remake?

There once was talk of making an American remake. At one point I believed that American remakes were a good idea, but I was young and foolish. To make an American version would probably make it PG-13, cutting out much of what made it interesting. And I’m not talking about just the violence and the blood. There are a lot of issues that have to deal with sex that will probably be cut. For a story that focuses on young people in high school, I don’t think that you can realistically cut out the sex talk. When you start maturing in high school, sex is a big deal. It creates bonds between people or destroys people. These feelings come out in Battle Royale. Unlike in The Hunger Games, all of these people know each other, not just the two who are from the same district. Emotions run much higher.

My verdict is that an American remake isn’t needed, nor appreciated. With The Hunger Games out and the sequels in the making, we don’t need one. Watch the original. It is crazy good, probably one of the best films I’ve seen so far this year. Yeah, I know it’s only May, but it’s that good.   

One of the best moments of the entire film:

End Comments

I’m not going to deem one better than the other. Psh. I don’t need to.

And there’s a sequel to this film titled Battle Royale II: Requiem, with the extended version called Battle Royale II: Revenge. There is also the original novel that has been translated into English, and I would LOVE to get my hands on the extended edition. It’s seriously on my “to buy” list. Lastly, there is the manga. I’m not so big on manga anymore, but I’m interested in reading this if it isn’t too long. I’d have to find a translation and a cheap set to buy.

Battle Royale is definitely worth checking out. This film is gory and tragic in circumstance. It was banned in several countries because of the subject matter, which makes it impossible to resist, right?

If you want a great resource, there is a wikia here.

Below are some more captures that I collected that I think are worth sharing:

Nobu has a hair clip...is this normal in Japanese culture?

Mitsuko curles her eye lashes after she washes her hair.
Not really the best time to be doing that...

Books From A Hospital

On Friday (May 25th), my little brother had some tumours removed from behind his ear. And somehow we were there about two hours early. I finished up Let The Right One In and then we were walking around the hospital and I went into the gift shop to burn some time. Why I bother to go in is beyond me- I always end up spending money I don't have.

Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things, Beverly Lewis' The Shunning, and Nate Kenyon's The Reach.

The Shunning is an Amish drama. It isn't something that I would usually pick up, but I decided to give it a try. I can probably plough through it quickly. The Reach was a finalist for the Bram Stoker Award so I expect great things, despite the horrific cover, though from the back blurb it sounds an awful lot like Alma's story from F.E.A.R (of course, that story isn't terribly new either). And you can never go wrong with Neil Gaiman, though this copy was the only copy and it is in bad shape. I forgot to take off the price stickers, but as you can see, these were all pretty cheap. I feel guilty though; authors don't get much money for the sale of these books, usually. Hospitals need better books though-or better yet, libraries in their hospials, especially for extended stay patients. Like you know, in that one episode of My Little Pony...err, nevermind.  

Today I'm finishing up the Battle Royale review. The last few days have just been insanely busy with good and bad things. Stupid life. Gets in the way of my doing things!  



Favour! Help Me Edit My Manuscript?

The Favour
Hello lovely people who read my blog. I have a favour to ask. I have written a manuscript which now stands at an atrocious 119,500 words (212 word document). Recently I went to a conference and I had an appointment with an agent, and though she said that my idea is interesting and my writing is fantastic, debut novels usually come in at about 80,000 words. Ideally, I need to cut about 20,000 to 40,000 words to be published but I’ve already edited and revised the thing to death. I am really at a loss as to what can be cut at this point (I cut 9,000 words when I came home). I am aware that the market has already moved on, and the agent urged me to write something else and publish that first. While this will not be my debut novel, it is still way too long.

Recently I was forced to move from my city into a small urban community in the north. To say the least, there are no writing communities here (heck, there are only a handful of people in this community). In the city I moved from there is a writing society, but they made me feel small and pathetic for the things I write. I really need help editing. I take this extremely seriously and I am willing to work with others to help edit their work, but be warned that I don’t hold back. I’m not out to be negative, but I’m blunt. I also don’t like it when people sugar coat their criticisms about my work. I won’t be offended, don’t worry.

The Story
Elevator pitch: My book is a literary horror about an emotionally immature girl who is torn from her parents’ home and is offered to be turned into a vampire. To escape her troubled home life she gladly accepts. As the nights roll on her creator is distant and secretive, and her vampiric abilities weaken but she develops the ability to destroy light. When the demons arrive and torment her, she realizes that they share some eerie similarities. It is also apparent that her memory is flawed; she is missing events and people and time to the point that she does not know who she is anymore. Only her maker can repair her memories, but once she confronts him, he is abducted by a rival House of vampires.

After my last revision this has been significantly “cleaned up” from the original. There are sexually suggestive themes but no sex scenes. Mentions drug and alcohol use. Occasional swearing, mostly the F-bomb, but not from the protagonist. I like making people uncomfortable, so if you’re squeamish my writing probably isn’t for you, and that’s totally ok.

Yes, it is about vampires. It doesn’t have a traditional love story (it’s complicated). Is it YA fiction? No. I base this as a librarian, and that I have a sister in the YA age-range and I wouldn’t give it to her to read, and she’s mature for her age.

Want to Help?
You can email me (email is listed on my Blogger Profile) and I can email you the first 51 pages, which is the first 5 chapters, in .doc format. If you want me to look over something of yours, reply to the email I send you with your stuff attached in the email. When you’re done with the first 51 pages you can tell me what you think and request more pages, or request more pages and tell me when you’re done reading the whole thing. Just tell me how many more pages or chapters you want. Or you can just tell me what you think and not ask for more. No problem.

Because this will probably not be my debut novel, time really isn’t of the essence. If you want to contact me now to read it over during the summer vacation, that’s great. No pressure. You don’t have to have a PhD in English to read this. I don’t need this to be analysed, no essays. Informal, what you liked, what you didn’t like, my mistakes with spelling, grammar, or factual inaccuracies. Especially what you think can be cut and why, or if you notice huge holes. Since my first revision I fear that I’ve cut something important and didn’t realize it.

TL;DR
I wrote a novel. Want to help me edit and revise it? Fiction. Literary horror with vampires, demons, and child abuse. Female protagonist. Contemporary. First-person POV. PM me for details.

Thanks!

2012 Writers' Conference

A couple of days ago I got back from my three day vacation in a land far, far away. Since I don’t want to identify myself here, I’m not even going to mention the city or the conference I went to, other than it was a writers’ conference that was wickedly awesome. There is only one thing I need to hardcore rant about, and I figured I’d write about the trip as a whole, especially since I had another review nearly ready to post and then this got in the way. I had been looking forward to it for months, and I got a spiffy new hair cut (layers, sidesweep, several inches off, new colour, standard girly fare) and some new clothes, and business cards. Very serious business.

I think I’d like to start this all off by saying that I love travelling. I understand people who are all panicky about it. Things will never, ever, go the way they are supposed to, and we just have to roll with it. Makes life much more fun.

My day started at 1 am, so I didn’t even go to bed. My bus came to the nearby town at 2:30 am, and it was late. Luckily my brother drove me and stood with me because this is where I had to wait:

 Hello scary road of serial killers hiding in the fog.

At 7:30 I arrived at the major city. Yay. Except that they wouldn’t let me buy my ticket to the next place, which is 30 minutes away and is part of the city’s area. I was told that you don’t just get on a bus to this town. It sounded like the whole, one does not simply walk into Mordor, except that you can. I brought up the webpage on my phone that shows that I can input my credit information to book this ticket from the city to my next destination. I was told that if I would have bought this ticket at home and printed it off they wouldn’t have honoured the ticket. Well, that’s so cool. I had to get on the city transit system (that I have never used, btw) and I got to the big station downtown that has both buses and trains. I had to buy a ticket and get on a train. Except I was told that it was a bus ticket and it turns out that it wasn’t, but whatever. I’m kind of like Selphie in Final Fantasy VIII in the way that I like trains. 

I even made a friend on the train. Pretty cool.

I ended up in the town/city of my conference much earlier than I should have. What was worse was that check in at the hotel is at 3 pm. I was there at about 9 am. With the help of my trusty iPhone, managed to walk, with my suitcase, to a shopping centre where I basically went into a huge pharmacy and looked at everything and bought some makeup. I managed to burn about an hour. I wasted another 30 ish minutes in a coffee shop. Finally I just called a cab and went to the hotel, planning on reading my book in the lobby until 3 pm.

This was my hotel:

Btw, this is the book I was reading:

An English translation of Let The Right One In by Swedish author John Ajvide Lindqvist. It’s beyond fantastic. I’m going to get around to doing a review of it, I promise.

Anyway, I get to the hotel and they actually let me check-in extremely early! I was beyond relieved. Here is my room (there is a tv on the left but you can't see it):

I dumped my stuff and walked the 20 minutes to a HUGE mall that the taxi driver was nice enough to tell me about. For some reason I didn’t take a picture of it, but seriously, holy hell. It is a strip mall but it encircles four sides and has everything I could possibly want. The tragedy? In two days I had to travel again with my tiny little suitcase. So I couldn’t purchase much. But I still did some shopping.

At a video game store I got these:

With the exception of the Silent Hill HD Collection, the other ones were extremely cheap. At one point I had these, but sadly I recently lost them, so I bought my own copies. After I play Metal Gear Solid 3 I’m going to play Lost Odyssey. Persona 4 is definitely on my list of to-replace, but I can’t find a copy. Might be for the best, considering that there are rumours that a port might hit the Xbox 360 and PS3, but this is totally off topic.      

I went to a GINORMOUS book store and picked up two books. Seriously, I swore to myself that I wasn’t going to buy much, but hell, at one point I had five books I really wanted to buy and I put down three. I knew at this point that my bag was going to be full, so I got my two books and called it quits on the retail therapy. These are the books I got:

I went back to the hotel with several icky blisters on my feet. Want to see one on my pinky? Of course you do.

Ouch.

That night wasn’t the conference, but it was the night of a get-together with the conference goers/authors. It was in the town/city next to the one my hotel was in. I didn’t take any pictures, but pictures were taken of me. I have been promised them, but even if I don’t get them the people facilitating the event will probably have pictures with me in them. Of course, I can’t actually identify myself, but if I see some with me in them I’ll post them. For people who know me in real life, in the off chance that you don’t recognize me after the weight loss and new hair I’ll point myself out to you in private.

Lots of things happened at this event. I’ll try to remember it all. My table at five other amazing women that I am so glad to have met. I miss them already and I am glad that I was outgoing enough to engage in conversations with them all.

I got hit on by a guy who’s opening line was “You and I would make beautiful babies.” I think he was sincere, because if he was trying to be funny it was an epic fail. I looked at him for a minute in silence, contemplating just walking away, but then I said “I think you are giving yourself too much credit.” Kind of mean, because he wasn’t ugly, but I hated him for saying that. Babies, really?

I ordered a red wine. Note to self: ordering red wine makes you look classy, but only drinking a little more than half of the glass makes you look immature. In my defence, that was really dry wine, and to me, dry wine tastes like vomit. Ick. Why do I never remember to ask for a fruity red?

I got to meet someone else who writes horror and who said that he will work with me on my writing! I am so estatic to #1, find someone who takes horror seriously and who doesn’t consider it a B genre, and #2, find someone who will help me in my writing. I gave him my pitch and he said it sounded great. He was really fun to talk to as well; pretty refreshing from “beautiful babies” man.  

I got to recommend Carrie Jones’ Need series to a ton of people, and since she is favourite YA author (and you know, she’s probably my favourite author in general, now that I think of it) I am more than happy to spread the joy that is Jones’ work.

Two women were nice enough to drive me back to the hotel, which was very kind of them and saved me cab fare.

I got back at the hotel at about 11 pm ish and hung about for a bit and eventually went to bed. The next day was conference day, and my day was supposed to start at 6:00 am. Unfortunately, I did not exactly properly set my alarm clock at I got up at about 6:20, which is ok. It just meant that I had to decline the kind offer of a ride as I was just oh so slightly behind.

I got to the conference, which was held at a golf course.

  

I was early and I got to meet many new friends while I picked out the evil raisins in my carrot muffin. Woot. During the opening ceremonies the speaker asked where we were from the determine who came the farthest, and I think my response was the farthest, at least no one offered any more after mine. Initially I thought I might be the youngest, but I met someone a few years younger than me, and she’s pretty cool and I hope I meet her at next year’s conference too.

My workshops were great, though one was greatly misrepresented. I do have to say that all of the facilitators were wonderful and informative. I had a pitch session with an agent, and while she said that the market is over saturated at the moment with the genre of my manuscript (which I knew), she said my writing is great with nothing to complain about, and that made my day! She recommended that I go to my next project as soon as possible and try to get that one published ASAP. I was juggling around three ideas at the time, and I think I’ve found one, so now it’s just about trying to carve out some time in my schedule to build up the project and let it possess me like a demon trying to take over the world.

There were many well-known authors there that I got to meet. I’ve only met two authors in my lifetime before this, so that was quite an experience. I can’t write down their names but trust me, it was awesome and it made me all fan-girly.

Everything else was great, I got a yummy lunch, salad and chicken (nom nom), and there were speakers between sessions. Here is the thing I want to rant about-and it isn’t about a speaker, it’s about a few peoples’ reactions to the topic of one speaker.

The topic was about, among other things, making an online presence for yourself. This concept is not new, but I am flabbergasted at how uninformed so many people are. There is one woman, let’s call her Mrs Persnickety (I seriously considered placing some 4 or 5 letter words after but decided to be somewhat decent). She has a book coming out, and that is always a fantastic thing for everyone. But she bitched and bitched about making an online presence for herself. Others did it too, even when I tried to say how easy it really is, but she easily took the ten-layer cake. How, pray tell, can she take time out of her day when she is supposed to be writing to tweet? And what, for goodness sakes, is she supposed to tweet about? What she had for lunch? And don’t even get her started on the uselessness that is blogging.

She’s lucky that I didn’t write down her name, because I’d post it here and make her look like a whiney little...

I tried to point out that there are oodles, literally, of high profile authors on twitter and Facebook, and who doesn’t have their own website where they post their own content? Margaret Atwood, Carrie Jones, Anne Rice, Chuck Palahniuk, Neil Gaiman, Diablo Cody, and Stephen Fry among many, many others. Even Barack Obama has a twitter! To promote yourself and your work, you can tweet, maybe once a day or three times a week, something relating to writing. Find an interesting word? Tweet it. See something one of your characters would adore? A humorous “what if” scenario popped in your head? Tweet it. News about the publishing industry? Read a great novel? Met a fan of your book? Tweet all these. This is not hard. Takes less than thirty seconds to tweet. Mrs Persnickety’s reaction to having to take time out of her precious day to promote  herself makes me think that she doesn’t deserve the luck she has had. Stop complaining and take note of what you’ve accomplished thus far, Mrs Persnickety, and be thankful that you even get the opportunity to promote the book that you’ve written. And I’m pretty sure Mrs Persnickety is a house wife of a wealthy man with no children, so I won’t even go into her time management.

The agent I spoke to said she was pleasantly surprised about my knowledge of the writing industry, and if I hadn’t met Mrs Persnickety and the other complainers at that table I would have been confused. There are so many writers who don’t know much, even after they’ve been published! I’m not there and I keep up with news and trends so I have a clue. I think it’s the same for librarians-writer’s need to keep up with the technology and no just turn up their noses at electronic witchcraft. You’re not selling your soul to the devil, you’re just turning on a computer, so get over it. You’ve written a book, found an agent, and sold that book, and you’ve got to get it through your head that the publicity is not solely in someone else’s hands. It is quite possible that your book will get little to no marketing. So guess what? Unless you just want your parents and your husband to read it, you’ve got to get off your ass (or, stay on your ass, in this case) and market yourself.

Anyway, when the conference closed we got goodie bags, and each bag had different books in them. Here were mine:

Except that I had one more book on photography. Unfortunately I was already over encumbered so I gave it to someone I had met who had a friend who was into photography. I gave Border Town to my sister, who said it was pretty good.

I got back to the hotel with some time to spare. I hung around with some people, but they were driving back so eventually I was alone again. I’m totally cool with being alone, though I was at a loss as to what I could do in the hotel room, as I was way too tired to go anywhere, and I didn’t want to buy more stuff. I had never really been in a hotel by myself and able to do whatever I wanted, so I ordered room service. Recently someone was nice enough to buy me tiramisu, and it was so excessively wonderful I decided to order myself some tiramisu and I had a bottle of water with me.

Looks good, doesn’t it? It was way bigger than the picture in the book. It also tasted awful. It had a burnt coffee taste throughout. I tried to eat at least a fourth of it and I could not even do that. Very disappointing. I’m looking forward to moving so I can finally get my own kitchen back and cook awesome things like tiramisu.

Other things I did that night? Watched free movies. Yay.

Next morning I got up at 5:30 am, checked out, and took a taxi to the city bus station. Took that bus to yet another city, arrived at 7:20 am. I was let off at the train station and I got to stay there until 1:00 pm when my train left. I did lots of reading. When I got there I had completely forgotten that trains have limits on carry-on bag size and weight. My suitcase is freakishly small, but it was over 50 pounds. There was also construction going on at the station, so I had to stand way back from where I had to board. When the train came I had to run with my suitcase before it departed, and I had to convince every well-intended attendant that I didn’t need help with my bag. I was terrified that they would noticed that it was over 50 pounds and I’d miss my train. No, no, I’m fine...seriously, I’d rather just haul this around myself. By the end of it I was tired and sweaty, but I go on fine.  

The train was fun-look at the very exciting scenery!

It was a bumpy ride though.  At 1:40 pm I got into another large city. My final bus home didn’t leave until 7:15 pm so I walked to the bus station, which took about 20 minutes. If I were smart I would have found a speciality tea shop to find some powdered green tea matcha, but it totally slipped my mind! I did go to a nearby mall at the bus station to burn some time. I was naughty and bought some more video games-but one, Final Fantasy VIII, is for my brother, and I really needed a new memory card! Don’t judge me! I had to really stuff everything into my purse at this point.

Then I went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered yakisoba with teriyaki sauce. Dear sweet Maria that was good. Any time I can find a good yakisoba bowl I order it.  

I tried to read and not buy anything. At this point, I was dead tired. I went to a coffee shop and got an iced coffee, drinking it slowly to waste time. I was reading while I was drinking. The cool thing about this place is that it has a bar that you can sit at that is open to the rest of the mall. While I was sitting there and homeless woman started to talk to me-she asked if I had seen a man, giving me his description, because she was going to beat him up. Well, cool. She had an open amber bottle of something with her, though it looked empty. She kept turning around and yelling at people, but she liked me (who doesn’t like me?). Anyway, she says that Ester is a biblical name and talks about that for awhile, and then she leaves, yelling at people as she went. Hilarious. My new best friend, in fact. I stayed in there a while longer because I was afraid she would follow me around.

After this, the trip ended smoothly. My bus left at 7:15 pm and I got off at 12:30 ish. My brother picked me up and I was home by about 1:15 am. I was so tired, but I still went to yoga at 1 pm that day and Tai Chi the next. My brain needs to just turn off yet there is still so much to do.

That was my trip. Hope the few people who read this blog enjoyed my shenanigans. I’m going to finish reading Let The Right One In and do the review for that, and then I am going to finalize my review of the Asian horror film Battle Royale.        

Mr Vampire Series Review

In the last little while I’ve been faced with some grown-up decisions to make. Pros and cons lists were made, people were considered, or not. It’s more difficult now that I have to consider more than just myself in my future. I also hit a wall with my parents’ truck. It was a small wall that will be fine when I get around to fixing it. With all this seriousness, naturally, I said “Fuck it” and decided to watch Chinese Comedy-Horror vampire films from the 80’s. Naturally. Like an adult.

In 1998 I saw part of an old Asian vampire film on TV. It was subtitled, in colour. The vampires in it had red nails, and sort of "hopped" about, and they went up to people and repeatedly stabbed them with their nails. To protect themselves, the humans wore bullet proof vests. It's all I can really remember. I don't think it was supposed to be humorous, but it might have been, I was just a kid when I saw it. I really wanted to see this film, but I couldn’t find it. Someone pointed me in the direction of the Mr Vampire series. There are 5 films made between 1986 and 1992: Mr Vampire I, Mr Vampire II, Mr Vampire III, Mr Vampire IV, and New Mr Vampire 1992. The first one and the last one are the only ones considered to be direct sequels, despite the lead actor (Lam Ching-ying) playing the “unibrow” character in 1-3 and 5.   

I don’t think what I saw was in any of these films, but it is pretty close. No bullet proof vests. But there are hopping vampires stabbing people with their nails. I actually enjoyed the series, so I kept watching. The fighting was always amusing, even when the actual story was less than stellar.  

This series is about the geung si, Chinese for "hopping" vampire or zombie, though the dubs and subs I had only used the term vampire, as far as I can recall. I didn’t even know that hopping vampires was a thing, but it is, and it is awesome. Like a zombie they hold their hands out in front of them. Like a stiff rabbit they hop. Awesome. You can learn more about geung si from this Wikipedia article. In this universe the vampires can smell your breath, so if you hold it in, they can’t find you. Also, you can cover yourself in oil and they won’t be able to see you. 

I liked the first film most. Not that I did not enjoy the sequels; I am glad I watched the sequels, but the first is my favourite, followed closely by the last.  

Mr Vampire I (1985)



Master Kau-Note: Grey Hair



This film is about Master Kau, a unibrowed Taoist priest specializing in supernatural arts, and his two bumbling disciples Man-choi and Chau-sang (renamed Dan and Harry in the sub and dub I watched...seriously). Master Kau is asked to rebury a rich man on behalf of their relatives but they discover that he is a vampire. While they are trying to stop it, Man-choi is infected by the vampire virus and Chau-sang falls in love with a ghost woman, so Master Kau has to do pretty much everything.



Chau-sang/Harry



Man-choi/Dan

The shop keeper tells her nephew (Chau-sang) that a prostitute from across the street is going to come in to buy makeup, and to be nice. Of course, Ting-Ting, who is the daughter of the wealthy man who has asked Master Kau for the reburial, comes in, who is definitely not a prostitute, but an actress. Hilarity ensures.  

You can see it here on Youtube, from the start to about 2:30. It’s the dub version, but it has better quality than the others on Youtube.  

Mr Vampire II (1986)

This one is about a vampire family (mother, father, and small boy) that is accidentally let loose in the city. The little boy is separated from his family and stays with a human girl and boy who try to hide him from their father. Much of the humour didn’t do it for me in this one. Lam Ching-ying, who played Master Kau in the previous film, is here as the owner of a medicine store. No disciples, and his daughter Gigi and his prospective son-in-law are flat characters. It was an ok film. I liked the design of the vampire family, and I hated the human family. Sorry pudgy kids, I just couldn’t care less if the vampire boy ate you.

His "Qualifications" to be dealing with the vampires.

Mr Vampire III (1987)

The Chinese name for this film is the Mr Spiritual Fantasy (various translations are available for this, this is the one I saw most often). It makes more sense, as Mr Vampire 3 doesn’t have vampires in it! No, all ghosts and uh...evil Taoists?

Uncle Ming is a Taoist who claims he can exorcise evil spirits from wealthy people. The start of the film shows him trying to con a family by removing two ghosts, however, these two ghosts are his friends Big Pao and Small Pao (depending on which subs you are watching). Anyway, these ghosts pretend to be exorcised so Uncle Ming can get money.

Big Pao and Little Pao

The two ghosts are the only mildly interesting characters in this film, though I did notice that they were cast in blue light so we can see that they are ghosts, but sometimes the blue lighting wasn’t really visible. I wonder if that was intentional or just some mistakes, because sometimes they had normal human colouring. The other characters were not particularly memorable; I will even go so far as to say that the unibrow Lam Ching-ying character isn’t really memorable either. The antagonist is an evil Taoist Lady who they eventually defeat. Yay. 

Mr Vampire IV (1988)

The version I found was actually in good quality, unlike the last two. This one is about the Four-eyed Taoist and his Buddhist monk neighbour Master Yat-yau. Most of the hilarity stems from the relationship these two have.

Just don’t ask...it’s taboo

The Four-eyed Taoist, from the first Mr Vampire returns, but maybe only in spirit? He’s played by the same actor (Anthony Chan). In the first one he’s Priest Four Eyes. It might be the same way as Lam Ching-ying playing the “unibrow” main leads in the first, second, third, and fifth movies, but in the second and third films he is actually a different character. Not too sure but the Priest Four Eyes and the Four-eyed Taoist seem to do the same job, transporting vampires for proper burials (though in the fourth film it’s not explained why he is transporting the vampires).

Bringing the vampires...somewhere?

And a fox spirit tries to seduce him....except this is the late 80’s so we get this sexy furry:

Oh yeah sexy lady...

Anyway, there’s a character who is an obvious homosexual stereotype. I just wonder if we could get away with such a character now?

He doesn't want to suck your err...well, he'd rather just kiss you
until he gets to know you better.

A child prince is transporting a vampire with a convoy, passing the main characters. Why would a prince be transporting something that will potentially try to eat him? Who knows. But it goes without saying that the vampire gets out of the coffin and attacks the neighbours and they have to defeat it, along with all the other vampires it just turned.  

Mr Vampire 1992 (V, or New Mr Vampire)

Master Kau is back!...with black hair but whatever yay?

Master Kau with black hair...it's magic don't question it.

The disciples are here too. Yay! This story is a little weird. It’s about aborted fetuses and reincarnation. You see, if a soul is continuously aborted before it can be born, it turns into an “unholy baby”. They’re evil, that’s all you really need to know about that. An unholy baby has put itself (?) into the womb of Kau’s childhood sweet heart, Lin to be reborn in all its evilness, and her maid is there to make sure that it happens. Lin’s husband has also been bitten by a vampire and Kau has to go there to save him. Also, Kwan-yue (called Birdie in my sub), is in love with Kau and wants him badly. Desperately.  She goes so far as to tie him to the bed and have Man-choi and Chau-sang spray her through the window with water to make her clothes cling to her. Awkward.

For the scene that I recall as a child, I thought that it might be this:



Gettin' stabbed, yo.



But the more I think about it, I’m certain that it isn’t. There was a boy protecting a girl from getting stabbed, but he had a bullet proof vest and at one point he was on the floor. This is the only time this happens and they are standing up.   

There is the undertones of “Don’t abort fetuses because this is what happens: YOU MAKE EVIL SPIRITS THAT TRY TO BE REBORN WHO WE ASSUME WILL DO EVILNESS.” But you know, whatever. Also, there’s a scene early on with a small child peeing on Man-choi, and because of the different indecency laws, you see it. Might freak people out.   

I didn’t have a good-quality version to watch, but there is a beautiful scene with Birdie and Lin’s sister in the woods. A red-clad procession and a white-clad procession come towards them. It’s too bad I don’t have better quality pictures, but they really are pretty.

Overall, I liked the series, but the first and last might be the only ones worth checking out. But if you’re bored they’re all on Youtube with varying levels of quality.