Snitch 2013 Film

On Friday I had a date and we went to see Snitch because...it was the only thing playing that didn't look like complete garbage. He made me pick the film and I was hoping that it wasn't going to suck and make me look like an idiot who likes bad movies (even though I am). 

It was better than I expected, but it was also different from what I expected. It has been promoted as an action thriller and it's not. It's more of a crime drama. To be honest, it was mostly ridiculously sad scenes peppered with people shooting at each other at the end. But it was mostly talking. Sad talking and sad faces. People screwing each other over because they are bastards. 

And there was a part where the protagonist, who I only call The Rock (because who cares what his character's name is) gets the snot beaten out of him. And I'm like, hey, fake and lame. You can't beat up The Rock. It doesn't work like that. 

Oh and the "Based/Inspired on True Events" (or whatever the exact phrase was) that you read at the beginning...it's not. Not as far as I have seen. It was inspired by the changes to the federal drug policy of the United States. These changes encourage people facing judge charges to snitch on each other. In reality the policy makes it a "he said she said" deal where people can start pointing fingers. 

Anyway, it was an alright movie, especially for what is in the theaters right now. An ok date movie. We got to talk about how people are assholes to each other and how everyone sucks on the ride home. 

Silent Hill: HD Collection Xbox 360 (SH3)

The ugly cover is only the beginning...

I finally got around to really giving my time to SH: HDC. Why’d it take so long? At first, I waited for the patch. Then the patch wasn’t coming for the Xbox 360. I did Downpour and Homecoming, and then this one. When I started I was in the middle of my third move the 2012 year. I had to leave people I have become attached to, and it was particularly hard. My comfort is not found in chocolate or ice cream or chick flicks. It’s in my favourite video games. One of my all time favourites is Silent Hill 3. To stop thinking of my shitty life, I dedicated a week to getting all the achievements. Since you can easily play SH3 in about 2 hours and 30 minutes, getting all the achievements was not as hard as I was expecting. If you’re an achievement whore, this game is easy, but you also have to get all of SH2’s achievements to get them all. As of posting, I still haven’t gotten the achievements for SH2 on Hard Mode. And yes, I know that this post is long overdue, and it was difficult to organize between the two games, new and original, and the console differences.

  

Disclaimer: I love SH3. I love SH the universe. If I could only play one series for the rest of my life, this would be it. I still have my PS2 copies, and I will always love these games. I’m not opposed to change, but it better be change for the better.  

Graphics

            HD remakes of PS2 games are not the kind of things that I get very excited for, especially if there is not going to be new content. That being said, the HD graphics are...alright. Necessary? No.

Yay! Now we get to see the PH rape scene in HD! And the scene where James puts his arm into the disgusting toilet without even rolling up his sleeve!

Well, now I can die happy! </sarcasm>

            That being said, the graphics still leave something to be desired. The fog has been redone. Previously, the fog was used to hide the environments loading on the streets of Silent Hill. Additionally, it added to the creepy atmosphere-you can never quite see far enough ahead to feel safe. Now, the fog seems to be further away, giving you a larger area that you can see. But I don’t think they changed how the game loads. Outside, it is easy to run too fast for the game, causing lag and moments where you can see the environment building itself before it can be hidden by the fog. My Xbox froze 3 times outside on the streets. I have a new model Xbox, less than a year old, and as far as I recall, it has never frozen on me before this. Why does lag (like what happened in SH: Downpour) happen in games? While it wasn’t as bad as SH:D, it shouldn’t happen.

Post PS3 Patch

The patch did fix some graphical issues (but the patch was only released for the PS3). If you want a comparison, go to Youtube and do a search. The patch gives noticeable results, but not enough for me to care. However, there are still a myriad of graphical issues on the PS3, even with the patch. So in the end, an Xbox 360 patch wouldn’t have done much good anyway, because Konami gave us a Band-Aid when we needed duct tape. And Konami blatantly ignored one whole console.         

What’s funny is that the current god of the SH franchise is Tom Hewlett, who basically blames the glitches on the data they were given to port. He claims that they were given incomplete archive data, so you know…totally not their fault for delivering a broken game. However, everyone is citing the fact that Blue Point Games (who did the HD ports for the Metal Gear HD Collection, which is multiple orgasms on a disk) takes retail versions of the games and uses that data, so they always get the final version. Oh hey…that makes way more sense than using incomplete archive data! So...why didn’t anyone tell Tom Hewlett how to do this? *Face palm.    

Gamespot PS2 versions of SH2 and SH3 VS SH: HD (prepatch)

Voice Acting

            This is probably what everyone is talking about. And I’m going to talk about it because while I am a rabbit, I wear sheep’s clothing.

How do I feel about the new voices?

            The voices are...meh. I don’t know WHY this game needed new voices. Oh, wait, yes I do. It’s because Konami figured recording new voices would be cheaper and they probably didn’t expect Guy Cihi (original voice actor of James) to raise a fuss. And Mary Elizabeth McGlynn and a few others wanted to carve their names into the fame that is SH2 and SH3. And quite frankly, I used to be a fan of McGlynn. Her vocal tracks for the Silent Hill games are phenomenal and they will be songs that will probably stick with me forever. I love her songs, but I cannot respect the woman. The arrogance of this woman that oozes from her statements about the original and new SH voice actors is astounding. And she mistakenly calls Mary/Maria Marie. At least try to pretend that actually care like you say you do. You can watch a clip of her talk on Youtube, two sources being here and here. At the very least, I think they should have included the option to have the original or new voices on both games, not just SH2. I have to wonder, what was keeping them back on having the original voices on SH3? Heather’s original VA was, in fact, easy to get a hold of, contrary to the rumour that was circulating that they just couldn’t find her.     

            For the next part of the review, I will be focusing on SH3 of the HD Collection. I will post the SH2 portion at a later date.

Silent Hill 3 (HD Collection)

Hi, I consumed Ester's
high school experience.

SH3 Graphics

At times the graphics appear to be washed out when compared to the original. In the PS2 version of the amusement park dream, there is a sepia-colour fog rolling about. It is not in the HD version, reducing the atmosphere quality. Overall the lighting is better, removing the black splotches that the shadows made. It makes the setting more naturalistic, though I liked the surreal quality of the lighting. You’re trapped in/infected by the Otherworld, a whole different reality. Making the lighting naturalistic blurs the lines between the safe reality and the uncertain and dangerous predicament that Heather is dropped into. Overall the whole thing is just meh and unnecessary. 

SH3 Voice Acting

"Is every person here a mental case?"

Heather

What I liked about Heather’s character was that she is a very normal character. She’s quick to anger, loves her father, and is determined to get revenge, even though at one point it would be totally easy to drive away and not go to Silent Hill. Heather’s new voice, played by Amanda Winn-Lee, sounds so nasally. You know what it sounds like? A grown ass woman trying to sound like an anime character. The old Heather, Heather Morris, sounded much more natural, and the new Heather lacks the enthusiasm in key moments (i.e. “Don’t talk about my dad like that!”-of course, the noise of her hand hitting the door is absent, killing the intensity of the moment). She was alright during the climax at the apartment, though I dislike that they altered Heather’s speech to Claudia. OMG, they added a swear, now Heather means business. Like no one took her seriously before. Don't try to fix what isn't broken. 

"You know that only God can
save us."

Claudia

The new Claudia, voiced by Laura Bailey, is bland. I feel like she lacks the conviction of old Claudia, played by Donna Burke. She does try to sound like the old Claudia to no avail. Claudia is a religious fanatic. She knows, without a doubt, that she can bring God. God will come and purify the world with fire and usher in a new paradise. She will create a new world that is free from all suffering. Her convictions are unwavering. When she set out to do her task, even though she knows that her sins are too great for redemption, in her heart she knew she is right to do it. And I feel like Bailey just doesn’t convince me of these deep aspects of her character. Most of the time she sounds bored. This character is integral to the plot. She is the antagonist and has an emotional connection to Heather. She orders an atrocious act that shatters Heather, causing her to switch from her “let’s escape from all this crazy BS” to “let’s vivisect Claudia” mindset. With her new voice, she is basically as threatening as a cardboard cut out. Story complexity just went down the toilet.

"Monsters? They look like
monsters to you? Don't worry.
It's just a joke!"

Vincent

Vincent. Oh, god, poor Vincent. His old voice revealed just how messed up he was. It was unsettling. The new VA, Yuri Lowenthal...isn’t creepy. His voice lacks that certain nuance that makes you unsure about him. He holds all the answers, but he is clearly lying and quite possibly mentally unstable. With him, you’re never quite sure if you should trust him. Everything would be so much easier if Vincent would explain everything to Heather. But...as she says, “There’s something wrong with you too.” I feel like the new Vincent tries to play down what made Vincent’s character so awesome. It’s like putting eyebrows on Claudia-it’s part of the character, don’t mess with it. I know that they thought the original acting was weird. And it was, in a very good way. This new voice actor sucks phallic imagery. And you'll know him as the VA who does Sasuke Uchiha's voice from Naruto.     

"That's fine. Nobody's gonna cry
over my grave anyway."

Douglas

The original VA of Douglas, Richard Grosse (who sadly passed away before the game was released), was fantastic. The new VA, Kirk Thornton, sounds more gravelly, like the VA was pushing the “detective” stereotype. The old Douglas sounded natural. The new VA is trying to emulate the hardboiled noir guy. He tries too hard and it shows. If I had never heard the original VA, overall I would say that the performance was fine. Nothing to be excited about voice acting wise, but alright.

Sorry, Heather, the good points aren't
up here,either.

Judgement

Don’t buy the game for the graphics or the new voice acting. Don’t even buy the game new. Borrow it. Rent it. Buy it used. Don’t support a team of arrogant jerks. In the end, I don’t know why they bothered other than to have a piece of SH pie with their names on it. SH3 is watered down and subpar. Good for achievements.

*Note: Most of the pictures came from the Silent Hill Wikia. 

Silent Hill Homecoming-Short Review

*Minor Spoilers Ahead!

Welcome home, Soldier...

I don't want to do a whole review for this. Quite frankly, I like it a lot. Yes, we all saw the end coming. I think it's more pertinent to make Alex realize the truth, and the player needs to find out why Alex can’t see it like we can. The graphics are great, I liked the interaction with The Order, and I liked the story with Shepherd’s Glen. I’m tired of people exclaiming, “OMG YOU LIKED THIS GAME?!” Yes, I do. It’s why I got all the achievements for it. It’s why I’ll play it a billion more times before I die.

There are a few things I'd like to post though. You know who my favourite character is? This guy:

Curtis Ackers

People cite him as one of the main antagonists, second to Judge Halloway. I don’t really consider him a main, more like a mini-boss, and I’m not convinced he’s always been evil. I don’t think he was part of The Order until after you find his shop all locked up. I think they took him then and he converted.

What I find intriguing about him is his focus on fixing and maintaining. He runs the scrap yard/repair shop and he sees how people can neglect their possessions. With The Order, he “finds clarity.” I’ve been wondering what his clarity is. He isn’t part of the four families of Shepherd’s Glen, so I am uncertain if he was part of that religion too. His clarity might have been religion. And since he seems to be a grumpy guy who prefers to be alone, perhaps he found the people of religion to be of his social taste. And they gave him a new job-to fix...broken people. With a circular saw.

You know who I hate? This lady:

I'm busy looking for my son. Oh, wait..no I'm not.

Totally useless. Yes, I get her emotional trauma. She had to pick one son, but she gave birth to both. She’s mentally unstable now, but you know how short/different the game would be if she was like, “Oh, hey, about your brother...you know [insert plot reveal], right? Remember? Oh yeah, I guess you’ve forgotten [other big plot reveal]. Guess you have to go to Silent Hill now instead of meandering all over this town. Bye!”  

I could go on, but I think I'll leave it at that. 

Audrey's Guide to Witchcraft Review

Audrey's Guide to Witchcraft by Jody Gehrman

Spoiler Free!

Bree Ogden, Jody Gehrman’s agent, asked on twitter if bloggers would review her book, and I volunteered. Soon I was sent a pdf of awesomeness and I was sent to reviewer heaven.

This book is, as the title announces, the guide book to Audrey’s life as she is introduced to an unexpected magical life. Perhaps best described as a supernatural thriller, it is definitely a coming of age story. It begins the day her journey beings, and that is the day that her mother goes missing. This is the story of Audrey discovering her identity and her new abilities. Instead of other YA lit protagonists who adamantly refuse to accept the changes associated with young adulthood, Audrey wants it. Now. Not because she wants to be more mature and have all the responsibilities-she wants to save her mother from the big bad that threatens them.

Characters

Audrey is a believable protagonist. Not perfect, but protective. She makes mistakes. A lot of them. Her heart is always in the right place. She has a talent for baking and science, which help her very special talent. Snarky. Intelligent. Fierce. Funny. 

Without her mother, Audrey has to learn from another witch, Sadie. Sadie is cool, beautiful, and has a thing for animals and plants. But she is not the same type of witch as Audrey. It’s slow going, especially considering that Audrey was not raised with the knowledge of her mother’s hidden past. And really, nothing is known about Sadie other than she just showed up...          

I like Meg, the little sister. Instead of being the secondary character of blah place-holding, Meg has her own unique characteristics. White-blonde hair, beautiful, seductive, and she's in a band that leaves audiences rapt. She’s not pinned as the annoying character, the sweetheart that everyone loves, or the obvious character to be killed off dramatically. I would have to say that she’s probably more emotionally complex than Audrey.   

Other Things...

The “Canadians had only slight accents” bit made me giggle, eh?  

The cover is gorgeous! Not really sure where to place Audrey in that red dress, but I will let it slide.

The incantations are not corny but still mysterious and believable. The way that Gehrman writes the alchemy that goes on inside of Audrey is rich with details that make it so convincing.   

I kind of wish she wrote in her book more. Even if she just mentioned that she was writing something down in there. She writes down spells and recipes (like one for a killer chocolate cake) and other “How To” lists.

Maybe it is because I am, in fact, not a teen, that I saw the big reveal a mile away. I’d like to ask some teens one day if they saw the trope before the big moment.

The ending has so many loose ends, making it not enough of an ending for me, but it definitely sets itself up for a sequel, which I would be more than overjoyed to read.

Judgement!

I would love to do a book club with this book in the future. It does not have the crass and crudeness that this conservative community might run in fear from while making the cross symbol with their fingers. Okay, it has witchcraft, and that might get them in a tiff, but its good witchcraft! Overall, it is a fantastic book that I highly recommend.

Jody Gehrman's  blog is over here, and her website is here. 

   

The author is giving away free copies of her book every dark moon, the next being August 16-18, so get in on it!

Catfish Review

Spoiler Free!

A little while ago I was watching a DVD (might have been Paranormal Activity 2) with someone and the previews for Catfish came on. We both thought it looked pretty cool-documentary style (more on that in a minute) horror about meeting someone you met online in real-life. I had my fingers crossed for the person to be a serial killer. 

The previews lied-it's not a horror movie. It's a...sad but sometimes funny film.

Painting of Abby's mother, Angela.

Yaniv (Nev) Schulman

   

It starts with Yaniv (Nev) Schulman getting a painting in the mail from a little girl named Abby, who is a prodigy artist. This painting, of one of his photographs of two dancers, sets off a pen-pal relationship. It's very cute and lovely. And then social networking becomes involved. Everything is peachy and he begins to friend all of Abby's family, including Angela, her mother, and Megan, her sister.

Message from Meg

Things roll along and he and Meg become close. They've never met at this point. Things get more involved. They start to fall in love.

And then he catches her in a lie. And another. And a few more. He doesn't know how to feel anymore, so he decides to go meet her, face to face. After all, he has feelings for her still.

The reveal was pretty good, I'll give it that.

Documentary?

Some quick Googling will bring up some different opinions about the authenticity of this film. To me, I don't particularly believe that it is real. That three friends would start filming the pre-stages to the entire relationship, the moments with Abbey and her paintings, doesn't make much sense to me. Does it really matter? I still enjoyed it with my doubt.

Final Verdict

It was a pretty good film. Had the warm and fuzzies, sadness, and some funny moments. If you like soft drama documentaries I recommend it. For me, it was a good, non-serious movie to watch. I certainly wouldn't buy it, but worth the watch.

Battle Royale-Spoiler Free!

Battle Royale (Batoru Rowaiaru in Japanese)

Spoiler Free!

Cats sleeping on lap? Check. One monster of a German Shepherd next to me? Check. What does all this mean? It’s Japanese horror movie time!

This movie has a lot, and I mean a lot, of similarities between The Hunger Games. I’ll go through them as I feel like it, but I’m not doing a whole comparison because, well, why should I? Maybe I will one day, if I feel like it. And this is going to be spoiler free because I don’t think this review/rant needs them. Apparently there is an extended version of this film, but I don’t have that one, unfortunately. It’s tragic, actually, as it sheds light on my favourite character. I'll seek it out one day.      



First Edition, Japanese
edition, 1999.
Ugly. Jus' sayn'.



This film is based on a novel of the same name (Batoru Rowaiaru) written in 1999 by Koushun Takami. Just like The Hunger Games, Japan has created a game that pits young people against each other in a death match. In Battle Royale, it is done because kids have no respect and are basically running rampant, though I don’t think the film illustrated it enough. In the beginning it is explained that The Battle Royale was created after 800,000 students walked out of school. The main character’s best friend, Yoshitoki Kuninobu (called Nobu), stabs a teacher in the butt, though it’s not explained why he does it. But the teacher doesn’t even seem that mad about it; he goes over to a sink and washes his hands.



This is Nobu's "Face of Rebellion".
What the hell is he doing?



So, students are being naughty and the government decides to do something about it.

Premise

So instead of having some kids who might straighten up, let’s make one psychopathic killer. This is a victor of a game shown at the very beginning of the film:

"Look, she's smiling! Smiling!" (So says my subtitles)

One whole class is chosen to participate, and while they are on a bus they are gassed and taken to an island that seems to have once been inhabited, but is now abandoned. This typical Japanese lady gives the students a run-down on how the game works:

They have collars on that monitor their vitals. They must kill each other in three days with one remaining victor. If the three days are up and there is more than one survivor, all collars explode, taking off the head of the owner. In this game, you have to fight. The time limit is a fantastic idea, as you can’t hide and wait for everyone else to die (which is what I would do if I had to be a tribute in the Hunger Games).

My problem with this set-up is this opening scene. The reporter is talking and there is a film crew. So this is televised, right? We learn later that this isn’t the first game. So why are all the students so surprised that they are in the game and they need everything explained? The students are confused, asking if this is real. If they already knew about this, a great tactic would be to wait at the enterance of the school as the students are leaving and killing them all off. But the kids are scared and just run into the night. 

The Characters

One thing that The Hunger Games does better is establish the characters better. There are just too many in Battle Royal, and since it is a horror movie, much of the movie is focused on who kills who. Too bad I had no emotional connection to most of them. I do have to say that even with very little character establishment of so many characters, there are some moments that really stand out because the characters know each other. Especially in the world of girls, things between people can get pretty dirty, and when you have to kill each other these issues come out. There are some touching scenes of love and friendship though.  

 

Noriko was bullied before, locked in a bathroom stall.
She is an idolized character for staying so pure in
The Battle Royale. Cliche, but she's nice.



And this is why you don't mess with other peoples'
relationships. Because later they might have a gun
and a chance to kill you, and they might still be pissed. 

The main character is Shuya Nanahara, his best friend is Yoshitoki Kuninobu (Nobu), and the main female character is Noriko Nakagawa. What is interesting about this story is that Shuya and Noriko are not in love (Noriko likes Shuya, and she tries to give him home baked cookies on the bus), but they are working together. I won’t say why because it will spoil what is supposed to be a big moment in the film that happens early on. Because the film moved so fast in the beginning (with good reason) I just couldn’t particularly care when this big moment happened. However, I do see how the two of them would work together after that.  

Noriko Nakagawa



Shuya Nanahara



Yoshitoki Kuninobu (Nobu)

  

   

*sings* Best friends...
But this scene has TERRIBLE
fake laughter.

There are a few memorable characters, and my favourite one happens to be Mitsuko Souma. She’s crazy and sexual and she aims to win not by waiting, not by escaping, but by killing everyone, and getting some action while it’s available.



Mitsuko Souma
Can I come in?
No.



Confrontation.

There are two transfer students, Kazuo Kiriyama, and Shogo Kawada. Kazuo is smoking hot but damn, he’s crazy! It’s apparent that they are different from the other students: they are almost like soldiers, knowing exactly what is going on already, and how to play this game.

Random Bits

The whole “Let’s lose our virginities before we die!” bit comes up. Hilarity ensures. How could not? 

Clearly not the time for that...

Unlike The Hunger Games, there is still hope for these students to escape the game. Early on two girls try to rally everyone to their spot to figure out an escape, but that’s just a terribly stupid plan. Others try too different methods of escape.

Uh...what exactly is dangerous about the danger zones? Do the collars just explode?

I appreciate that the film gives the students guns, but no one is particularly good at shooting them with the exception of the transfer students. I hate it when kids get guns and they turn into the Point Man from FEAR. I have some experience with guns, and even if you line the sights up for that perfect bulls-eye, there's the probability that you won’t hit the bulls-eye because of the gun itself. Guns aren’t perfect, and neither are people.

There is a point when a weird dream scene occurs with Noriko and the teacher Kitano eating popsicles by a river in the city. I am seriously confused by this dream. Their lips move but there is no sound, so there are no subtitles. I have no idea what they are saying! Noriko says that Kitano seems lonely in the dream, but why she says this is eluding me. 

They're like the kids from Kingdom Hearts II.

I’d like to know about the text that appears on the screen. At least twice it was voiced, but other times it is not.  It is probably something that happens in Japanese cinema that I’m unaware of, but I would like to know more about it.

American Remake?

There once was talk of making an American remake. At one point I believed that American remakes were a good idea, but I was young and foolish. To make an American version would probably make it PG-13, cutting out much of what made it interesting. And I’m not talking about just the violence and the blood. There are a lot of issues that have to deal with sex that will probably be cut. For a story that focuses on young people in high school, I don’t think that you can realistically cut out the sex talk. When you start maturing in high school, sex is a big deal. It creates bonds between people or destroys people. These feelings come out in Battle Royale. Unlike in The Hunger Games, all of these people know each other, not just the two who are from the same district. Emotions run much higher.

My verdict is that an American remake isn’t needed, nor appreciated. With The Hunger Games out and the sequels in the making, we don’t need one. Watch the original. It is crazy good, probably one of the best films I’ve seen so far this year. Yeah, I know it’s only May, but it’s that good.   

One of the best moments of the entire film:

End Comments

I’m not going to deem one better than the other. Psh. I don’t need to.

And there’s a sequel to this film titled Battle Royale II: Requiem, with the extended version called Battle Royale II: Revenge. There is also the original novel that has been translated into English, and I would LOVE to get my hands on the extended edition. It’s seriously on my “to buy” list. Lastly, there is the manga. I’m not so big on manga anymore, but I’m interested in reading this if it isn’t too long. I’d have to find a translation and a cheap set to buy.

Battle Royale is definitely worth checking out. This film is gory and tragic in circumstance. It was banned in several countries because of the subject matter, which makes it impossible to resist, right?

If you want a great resource, there is a wikia here.

Below are some more captures that I collected that I think are worth sharing:

Nobu has a hair clip...is this normal in Japanese culture?

Mitsuko curles her eye lashes after she washes her hair.
Not really the best time to be doing that...

Mr Vampire Series Review

In the last little while I’ve been faced with some grown-up decisions to make. Pros and cons lists were made, people were considered, or not. It’s more difficult now that I have to consider more than just myself in my future. I also hit a wall with my parents’ truck. It was a small wall that will be fine when I get around to fixing it. With all this seriousness, naturally, I said “Fuck it” and decided to watch Chinese Comedy-Horror vampire films from the 80’s. Naturally. Like an adult.

In 1998 I saw part of an old Asian vampire film on TV. It was subtitled, in colour. The vampires in it had red nails, and sort of "hopped" about, and they went up to people and repeatedly stabbed them with their nails. To protect themselves, the humans wore bullet proof vests. It's all I can really remember. I don't think it was supposed to be humorous, but it might have been, I was just a kid when I saw it. I really wanted to see this film, but I couldn’t find it. Someone pointed me in the direction of the Mr Vampire series. There are 5 films made between 1986 and 1992: Mr Vampire I, Mr Vampire II, Mr Vampire III, Mr Vampire IV, and New Mr Vampire 1992. The first one and the last one are the only ones considered to be direct sequels, despite the lead actor (Lam Ching-ying) playing the “unibrow” character in 1-3 and 5.   

I don’t think what I saw was in any of these films, but it is pretty close. No bullet proof vests. But there are hopping vampires stabbing people with their nails. I actually enjoyed the series, so I kept watching. The fighting was always amusing, even when the actual story was less than stellar.  

This series is about the geung si, Chinese for "hopping" vampire or zombie, though the dubs and subs I had only used the term vampire, as far as I can recall. I didn’t even know that hopping vampires was a thing, but it is, and it is awesome. Like a zombie they hold their hands out in front of them. Like a stiff rabbit they hop. Awesome. You can learn more about geung si from this Wikipedia article. In this universe the vampires can smell your breath, so if you hold it in, they can’t find you. Also, you can cover yourself in oil and they won’t be able to see you. 

I liked the first film most. Not that I did not enjoy the sequels; I am glad I watched the sequels, but the first is my favourite, followed closely by the last.  

Mr Vampire I (1985)



Master Kau-Note: Grey Hair



This film is about Master Kau, a unibrowed Taoist priest specializing in supernatural arts, and his two bumbling disciples Man-choi and Chau-sang (renamed Dan and Harry in the sub and dub I watched...seriously). Master Kau is asked to rebury a rich man on behalf of their relatives but they discover that he is a vampire. While they are trying to stop it, Man-choi is infected by the vampire virus and Chau-sang falls in love with a ghost woman, so Master Kau has to do pretty much everything.



Chau-sang/Harry



Man-choi/Dan

The shop keeper tells her nephew (Chau-sang) that a prostitute from across the street is going to come in to buy makeup, and to be nice. Of course, Ting-Ting, who is the daughter of the wealthy man who has asked Master Kau for the reburial, comes in, who is definitely not a prostitute, but an actress. Hilarity ensures.  

You can see it here on Youtube, from the start to about 2:30. It’s the dub version, but it has better quality than the others on Youtube.  

Mr Vampire II (1986)

This one is about a vampire family (mother, father, and small boy) that is accidentally let loose in the city. The little boy is separated from his family and stays with a human girl and boy who try to hide him from their father. Much of the humour didn’t do it for me in this one. Lam Ching-ying, who played Master Kau in the previous film, is here as the owner of a medicine store. No disciples, and his daughter Gigi and his prospective son-in-law are flat characters. It was an ok film. I liked the design of the vampire family, and I hated the human family. Sorry pudgy kids, I just couldn’t care less if the vampire boy ate you.

His "Qualifications" to be dealing with the vampires.

Mr Vampire III (1987)

The Chinese name for this film is the Mr Spiritual Fantasy (various translations are available for this, this is the one I saw most often). It makes more sense, as Mr Vampire 3 doesn’t have vampires in it! No, all ghosts and uh...evil Taoists?

Uncle Ming is a Taoist who claims he can exorcise evil spirits from wealthy people. The start of the film shows him trying to con a family by removing two ghosts, however, these two ghosts are his friends Big Pao and Small Pao (depending on which subs you are watching). Anyway, these ghosts pretend to be exorcised so Uncle Ming can get money.

Big Pao and Little Pao

The two ghosts are the only mildly interesting characters in this film, though I did notice that they were cast in blue light so we can see that they are ghosts, but sometimes the blue lighting wasn’t really visible. I wonder if that was intentional or just some mistakes, because sometimes they had normal human colouring. The other characters were not particularly memorable; I will even go so far as to say that the unibrow Lam Ching-ying character isn’t really memorable either. The antagonist is an evil Taoist Lady who they eventually defeat. Yay. 

Mr Vampire IV (1988)

The version I found was actually in good quality, unlike the last two. This one is about the Four-eyed Taoist and his Buddhist monk neighbour Master Yat-yau. Most of the hilarity stems from the relationship these two have.

Just don’t ask...it’s taboo

The Four-eyed Taoist, from the first Mr Vampire returns, but maybe only in spirit? He’s played by the same actor (Anthony Chan). In the first one he’s Priest Four Eyes. It might be the same way as Lam Ching-ying playing the “unibrow” main leads in the first, second, third, and fifth movies, but in the second and third films he is actually a different character. Not too sure but the Priest Four Eyes and the Four-eyed Taoist seem to do the same job, transporting vampires for proper burials (though in the fourth film it’s not explained why he is transporting the vampires).

Bringing the vampires...somewhere?

And a fox spirit tries to seduce him....except this is the late 80’s so we get this sexy furry:

Oh yeah sexy lady...

Anyway, there’s a character who is an obvious homosexual stereotype. I just wonder if we could get away with such a character now?

He doesn't want to suck your err...well, he'd rather just kiss you
until he gets to know you better.

A child prince is transporting a vampire with a convoy, passing the main characters. Why would a prince be transporting something that will potentially try to eat him? Who knows. But it goes without saying that the vampire gets out of the coffin and attacks the neighbours and they have to defeat it, along with all the other vampires it just turned.  

Mr Vampire 1992 (V, or New Mr Vampire)

Master Kau is back!...with black hair but whatever yay?

Master Kau with black hair...it's magic don't question it.

The disciples are here too. Yay! This story is a little weird. It’s about aborted fetuses and reincarnation. You see, if a soul is continuously aborted before it can be born, it turns into an “unholy baby”. They’re evil, that’s all you really need to know about that. An unholy baby has put itself (?) into the womb of Kau’s childhood sweet heart, Lin to be reborn in all its evilness, and her maid is there to make sure that it happens. Lin’s husband has also been bitten by a vampire and Kau has to go there to save him. Also, Kwan-yue (called Birdie in my sub), is in love with Kau and wants him badly. Desperately.  She goes so far as to tie him to the bed and have Man-choi and Chau-sang spray her through the window with water to make her clothes cling to her. Awkward.

For the scene that I recall as a child, I thought that it might be this:



Gettin' stabbed, yo.



But the more I think about it, I’m certain that it isn’t. There was a boy protecting a girl from getting stabbed, but he had a bullet proof vest and at one point he was on the floor. This is the only time this happens and they are standing up.   

There is the undertones of “Don’t abort fetuses because this is what happens: YOU MAKE EVIL SPIRITS THAT TRY TO BE REBORN WHO WE ASSUME WILL DO EVILNESS.” But you know, whatever. Also, there’s a scene early on with a small child peeing on Man-choi, and because of the different indecency laws, you see it. Might freak people out.   

I didn’t have a good-quality version to watch, but there is a beautiful scene with Birdie and Lin’s sister in the woods. A red-clad procession and a white-clad procession come towards them. It’s too bad I don’t have better quality pictures, but they really are pretty.

Overall, I liked the series, but the first and last might be the only ones worth checking out. But if you’re bored they’re all on Youtube with varying levels of quality.